Darlene Quaife


Celibate Sex is sexual satire. In this play the main characters Don and Judy are running scared. They came through the sexual revolution of the late 60's and early 70's as clean as a whistle. No dead rabbits, no VD. clinics, not even a genital wart to blemish their marriage licence. Now, after being Mr. and Mrs. Clean for 22 years, they're leaving the safety of the marriage bed. Divorce has thrust sex upon them. And they're not prepared for the plaque years. So the Powers have hit on a solution. Judy and Don's new motto is: "You can't live with'm, but you can't love without'm." They have decided to draw up a post-nuptial agreement which, under certain conditions, allows them to meet on a regular basis for the express purpose of disease-free sex.

Negotiations are underway between Don and Judy when Don is laid off from his high-powered PR job with an oil company. It happens without warning. When he arrives at his office in one of the ubiquitous towers of glass and steel, he is given the 'casket treatment' by security. Suddenly Don Powers is without status and family.

He loses it! Using the handcuffs that came with his expensive briefcase -- the business trip model -- Don cuffs himself to the 30 foot aluminum bulldog that serves as the sign for the MACK MOTEL. The same motel in which he and Judy spent their first night together more than 22 years ago; the place they have been coming to on their anniversary ever since. Don is not rational, but he is determined to do one last deal: their post-nuptial agreement.

From his new boardroom at the base of the MACK MOTEL sign, Don calls Judy on his cell phone and tries to explain he's lost his job, he's handcuffed to an aluminum bulldog, and he's ready to hammer out a deal. Judy comes to meet him.

In the meantime, Mrs. Sweeney, the motel owner/manager, brings her lawn chair out and joins Don. Mrs. S. is the type of old bird who's seen it all (being in the motel business some 35 years) and is fazed by none of it. The kind of woman who will talk to anyone, even an old customer handcuffed to her motel sign.  She parks herself and starts in, "You know why I'm in the motel business? My late husband, Mack, he was a truck driver. Loved the life. Could let his hair down when he was on the road. So, I figured if home wasn't that different from the road, he'd make it his favourite stopover. Sometimes he'd call when he was on his way home. Sometimes he would just drive out of the blue and wheel that old rig up to the door. I had that big old bulldog sign put up with all those neon lights so he could see where I was from miles away. Had the service station built when I was prego with our second kid. It gave him somewhere to work on his truck while I was out of commission."

As night comes on, Don, Judy and Mrs. S. are transformed under the neon lights of the big MACK MOTEL sign. 



Celibate Sex

Workshopped at The Banff Centre for the Arts



Lunchbox Theatre: selected as a Stage One Play


Tongue & Tail

Produced and aired by Theatre of the Air, CKUA Access Radio

Staged by BraggArts Theatre Society